It's a wonderful life...

"It's a Wonderful Life" really is a wonderful movie.  Tonight I caught the beginning of it before heading to Christmas Eve service and then caught the end of it after the service ended.

Before service, I saw life for George Bailey on the night before he was to leave for college.  The last scene I watched was as he was walking Mary home after the dance and he had just made a wish by throwing a stone through the window of an old home.  He was so full of hope and expectation.  On that eve of what George thought would be his life changing forever by leaving for college he said "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that." 

So much joy and excitement for what lies ahead,
but oh those are dangerous and presumptuous words to utter. 

I've seen the movie.  I know that what tomorrow holds for George is not leaving for college, but his life changing forever as his father dies and he assumes his father's role leading the town's building and loan.  This is NOT the life he thought he'd be living.  This is NOT the life he wanted or had planned for or dreamed about.  He is burdened by it.  He marries Mary and there are glimmers of good, but he longs for more and is dissatisfied with what has been as it is not at all as he had imagined it to be.  So when things at the building and loan go sour, George goes into a downward spiral.

Doesn't life seem to have a way of not going as we expect...
sometimes we get to see ways things turn out better than we imagined,
sometimes things go wrong, so wrong...
then it is hard to see the good - then it is so hard to not choose the curse.

When I returned from church, George was in a state of despair in stark contrast to the state of hope he had been in before I left.  George and his guardian angel, Clarence, are now splashing about in the water under a bridge.  George thinks life would have been better had he never been born.  Clarence shows him what that life would have looked like and it is not a pretty sight.  As Clarence says to him, "Strange, isn't it?  Each man's life touches so many other lives.  When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"  and "You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?"
 

As I've moved this past year and then this week have been spending time in my hometown, which hasn't been my home address in ~12 years.  I've been reflecting over the past year and years of my journey here, there, and everywhere... Most of these moments have caused me to remember dear friends - though I haven't kept up with near as many of them, near as well as I would have desired - I know that without them there would indeed be holes in my heart and my life.  I remember especially some of the send-offs these friends have given to me.  Things haven't gone as any of us thought they would have upon the eve of what lay ahead....  But upon each of those moments of transition, there has been a deep sense of gratitude for what has been...  And since the eve of what lies ahead overlaps with the end of what has been laid behind I can be encouraged about what the future holds because of the faithfulness and goodness I have experienced in the past.

The words of Clarence to George in a book inscription at the end of the movie rang quite true for me tonight - "Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends."  Remembering my friends both those I chat with on the phone each week and those whose phone number I wouldn't even know where to look for - all of them stir my heart to chose to believe that the plans the Lord has for me are plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give a future and a hope.

pressing on

     After Thanksgiving break, one of my students came to me right before class asking me to sign a slip for her to withdraw from the class.  She'd been working so hard all semester long and this request took me by surprise.  She was on the verge of failing, but I thought if she kept working hard that she would probably fall on the side of passing.  I told her that I was surprised that she had arrived at this decision because I had seen her working so hard.  I then said I wouldn't sign the form right then without talking to her about the situation more, that she should come back after class.
She didn't come by after class...
but she kept coming to class... 
I followed up with her and she said she'd decided she would work hard and that she could do this...
and SHE DID!
This is one of my highlights from this semester.
I saw so many students experience a wake-up call this semester, work hard, and then pull out a passing grade.  I also have had some students make poor decisions and I'll be assigning some Fs.  But yesterday as I crunched the grades, I was cheered again and again as I saw student after student getting a higher grade than they were assigned at midterm...

   I've been thinking a lot recently about the scripture "I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me".  I've been thinking a lot about "pressing on"...  These students have been an example to me as the have focused in and continued on instead of dropping out when things got hard and they were afraid of failing.  We are all still in the process of pressing on and discovering the purposes for which we were created and are called.  I'm privileged to be a part of their journey and I'm thankful that they bear with me as I too continue to learn how to teach and guide them as they press on.

ukelele in lab

 

one of my students played the ukelele and rapped/sang in my lab class yesterday as part of a presentation - it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e :)

Here's some of his song.  I got a little shout out toward the end of the song as you'll see below :)

 

S’up chem class - so please ta meetcha

The first name’s dirty - Last name demeesta

Meet ma lab partner Niko can’t pronounce his last name,

But don’t matter to me when we spinnin' our game

Some stanky stuff garlic smells real dank

The sulfur involved makes it stank so rank

The sulfur atom is bonded to O, 4 times bro, yo that’s fo sho

Rockin 22’s got a gloca an 2 nines

The sulfate molecule is so divine

Its ‘lectron geometry rockin’ tetrahedral

Ma boy NP gonna let you see bro

On a similar note, we’ll show molecular shape

NP’s potions master like Professor Snape

Sulfate likes it when you call it big poppa

Throw your lone pairs in the ayra 

like yous a tru playa

Sulfate likes it when you call it big poppa

 

Dr. A livin thug lyfe, straight chem master

A boss with her nano, she knows how to raster

Chill as can be ‘cept you mess with Alabama

She’d mess you potion style, you go 5 to 8 in the slama

That’s enuf from dirt, I spit the truth

Sulfate is as class as Italian vermouth

Back to the presentation, its been real fun

Can’t believe our chem lab is already done

seagulls flying as the snow is falling

as i went into work this morning, something caught my eye

it took me a minute to realize that what i saw were not ginormous snow flakes floating in the sky, but seagulls...

why are they flying while it is snowing so hard?
did they just now realize it was time to migrate (after > 18 inches of snow have already fallen in the past week)

it seems so wrong that these birds that fly above the lake and rest upon the sandy shore during the summer months are out flying in the snow

and yet they are

they aren't hiding in the warm eaves of homes or cuddled up together in the crook of  a tree

it seemed so out of place

and it wasn't just one or two... i saw 8 of them, all flying in pairs

this isn't their season and yet there they are...

i'm often torn by the dichotomy i come across in life

but this observation of the seagulls flying as the snow is falling felt peaceful

it was beautiful actually, these white birds amidst snowflakes

these birds were out of their element, but they were soaring

and i was encouraged

i live in a snow globe next door to christmas land...

celebrating birthdays

If you know me, you know that I enjoy celebrating birthdays.

I was reminded of this the other night while g-chatting with my friend whose bday is next month and being excited that I'll get to celebrate it with her...

I love to think about the unique way that my friends are who they are and think of how I can bless them best by celebrating their birthday with them.

I enjoy reflecting with them over the past year and years of their life taking note of the highlights - to remember the places where they have experienced blessing and to give thanks with them - to remember the truths they have learned along the journey and to agree with that truth - to remember the places where laughter has arisen and to rejoice with them.  Tis truly one of my most favorite things...

So, when did I forget that Christmas is Jesus's birthday?

Now I'm pondering how I can apply my love of celebrating birthdays to celebrating the birth of the Savior.

thinking about Advent...

A quick wiki search told me that "advent" is from the latin word for "coming" and that it is "expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration... anticipating the second coming of Christ... the consummation of history"

the Merriam Webster dictionary online told me it means "arrival" with definitions
1) the period beginning four Sundays before Christmas and observed by some Christians as a season of prayer and fasting
2) a: the coming of Christ at the Incarnation
    b: second coming

Hm - this was a good simple reminder to me that we are not just remembering the waiting and celebration that happened in the past when Christ came at the Incarnation, but we are currently in the midst of waiting for Christ's return.  This lead me to read the beginning of Acts and the end of Revelation.

Interesting that oftentimes many think of this return with fear and dread of destruction, not with eager anticipation of celebration.  For those of us in Christ, fear (ultimate reverence for the God who alone is holy and all powerful) is appropriate, but dread doesn't make sense (although I myself readily admit to having had this feeling).
I have experienced a shift in my own perspective of the second coming
from one of fear, dread, and uncertainty
to one which still experiences fear (although the reverence kind)
     and uncertainty (only the Father knows the day and time)
to one which now calls out - along with the Spirit, as a part of the bride of Christ - that calls out for Jesus to come.

I eagerly await the day when all things are made new.  When all tears are wiped away and there is no more death, mourning, crying, or pain because the old order has passed away... and then there will be a wedding...

I'm still not in the "Christmas" spirit - I tried listening to Christmas music... 
However,
I am experiencing some Advent in terms of "preparation for celebration" as I've reflected upon:
- the celebration of the angels overseen by the shepherds when Christ came
- the spontaneous love burst that came from Peter as he jumped from the boat into the water when he first saw Christ after the resurrection
- the dumbstruck awe that left the disciples staring up at the sky as Christ ascended

I'll keep reflecting on those moments in the past while anticipating and imagining the new heaven and the new earth that is to come.

Perhaps I'll come around to some Christmas cheer...

Lent and Advent

I feel more prepared for celebrating Lent rather than Advent.
I'm ready for spring - for flowers popping up and new life abounding. 
I'm eager for summer - for hot days spent outdoors near water.
I'm not dreading the impending winter season. 
To a large extent thus far I've not really acknowledged its approach... but today, i saw snow...
Now that Thanksgiving is over, it is finally seasonally acceptable for folks to be decorating for Christmas and playing Christmas tunes... but I'm not ready - and it isn't that I feel overwhelmed about preparing for the gifts to be exchanged and the parties to be attended and it isn't that I'm morphing into the Grinch that Stole Christmas...

The time of Advent leading up to Christmas is supposed to be a time of joyful anticipation
The time of Lent leading up to Easter is typically a time of somber reflection

so what do you do when your spirit is in a place of Lent at the time of Advent?

fall

Took a different route into my building the other morning and as I rounded the corner, I happened across this delightful scene of color and shadows...  I'm seeking what is lovely, pure, admirable, excellent, true, noble, right, and praiseworthy... and when I happen across it - may I be propelled toward worship - whether that is to fall to my knees in prayer or to rummage through my purse for my camera...

from God and not from us.... hard pressed, but not crushed... alive and given over to death, so that life may be revealed...

^{2 Corinthians 4
5} For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
 ⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
 ¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
 ¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

back and forth...

 Isaiah 55:12 (New International Version)

¹² You will go out in joy
   and be led forth in peace; 

the mountains and hills
   will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
   will clap their hands. 

This passage has been really meaningful as I've been transitioning into my new home.  Multiple folks blessed me with the scripture as I left...

This Sunday, I heard the pastor talk about leaving with joy and returning with peace...

in the NRSV this passage says

"For you shall go out in joy,
   and be led back in peace"

Looking at multiple translations, only the  NRSV says "led back", most of the others say "led forth"...

I must say that being led back in peace makes more sense to me in this context

The chapter has just been talking about God's thoughts not being like my own and His ways being different and higher than my own...  Walking into the unknown in that way - hard to see that path as peaceful. 

joyful - yes, i can see that - that scripture suggests that the rain and the snow we walk through water the earth so that it buds and flourishes bringing forth seed for sowing and bread for eating - in this we can hope and be joyful, as we trust in the mercy and pardon found as we turn to the Lord, who is calling us to "come" 

and then after we have walked out a couple of steps on the path He has laid out before us, then we can go back over it seeing God's faithfulness, bringing us to wholeness, and from this perspective we have peace.

it is as i go back and see His faithfulness in appointing my times and places that i experience peace most.  

i think it is important as i go forth, to look back and remember and be at peace.

i need to go back and forth in peace.

i picture myself pacing, 

but with 2 steps forward and one step back,

progressing forward
meandering

slowly, peacefully, joyfully

a year ago today...

... I was interviewing at a school called Hope near the shore of Lake Michigan.

The details I remember best about that visit (which was my first of 5 in a 2 week time period) are as follows:
1) the detour to see Lake Michigan on the way from the airport to the college - i finally understood why people call the shore there a beach - it is beautiful...
2) dinner with students - twas good conversation
3) questions from those students after my seminar
These are still probably my favorite things here - the lake, the students, teaching...

I can't believe it was a year ago - in most ways it seems so much longer ago, but in other ways shorter...
I think it is good to look back and remember.
To look back and see the ways God has been at work, to see the ways you've grown, to give thanks...
Though it seems a lot longer ago, I think it is still too near to really process.
I think my roots are still too raw to examine.
And I think when I look back right now, I'm reminded that it is ok that they are raw.
They've been through a lot.
So, if the purpose of my remembering reminds me to give grace to myself - then that alone is good.

I chose to seek out for more, for what God had next,
and I never really wanted to leave my home and community,
I never really have looked for a move because I wanted to leave where I was.
I chose to knock and listen for the answer of yes or no
instead doors opened
it was overwhelming
and awefull
and awful

5 days after my interview, they called with a job offer.
By Thanksgiving things were settled - Hope.
I was thankful and excited.
Perhaps mainly because the search was over and I could focus on life now,
but the cloud of what was to come loomed over the months as I prepared for my move to Michigan.


I've now been living here for almost 4 months - some things have moved faster than others.

The job is a whirlwind.

The replanting of my roots is slow.

They are still on the surface of the soil of this new place
- exposed, sensitive, seeking, frustrated, thirsty, aching...

but hope remains
and I remain in and at hope

lab graffiti

This magnetic letter "graffiti" in my research lab makes me smile.  :)

My undergrad put up the words lithography and nano over the fume hood and the senior prof that also teaches the other 2 general chemistry lectures posted the others.
I'm so thankful for both of them!
Though having a research student has added at least 6 hours more work into my life each week, it has forced me to be engaged in research.  Today we collected data on samples he's been making.  1 out of 5 worked - not bad, not bad...  I also really appreciate his disposition - he's a whistler - which I think is an outward expression of inward joy.  He also is competent and patient.  Hopeful for more like him (he'll be graduating in may).
The senior prof has been such a gift.  He's been teaching longer than I've been alive and he has been such an encouragement to me.  Helping me figure out all the ins and outs of the system AND he's been a great reminder to me regularly to "have fun" when I'm teaching.  Also encouraging me to do a good job, but not hurt myself trying to do the best every time.

I also appreciate that these magnets followed me from Penn State.  They were a white elephant Christmas gift I got at our research group's holiday part.  I brought them into lab and they lived on the front of an oven and fridge for many many years.  Then when that lab was being packed up to move to UCLA, I rescued these magnets from the trash (along with many old samples and extraneous supplies).

Giving thanks for what was, what is, and what is to come.  Hopeful for how past, present, and future may intertwine...  Curious what pieces of the past may bring joy in the future (like these simple colorful alphabet magnets!)

words of the week

These are the words that have ruminated in me this past week...

slugabed

–noun

a lazy person who stays in bed long after the usual time for arising.

***this was the word of the day in my inbox on sunday, the day that i once again did not arise in time to attend a morning church service <sigh>


contend

–verb (used without object)

1.to struggle in opposition: to contend with the enemy for control of the port.

2.to strive in rivalry; compete; vie: to contend for first prize.

3.to strive in debate; dispute earnestly: to contend against falsehood.

–verb (used with object)

4.to assert or maintain earnestly: He contended that taxes were too high.

***i awoke one morning this week with a combination of the scriptures below in my heart and head
Genesis 6:3
Then the LORD said, "My Spirit will not contend with man forever, for he is mortal ; his days will be a hundred and twenty years." 
Isaiah 49:25
But this is what the LORD says: "Yes, captives will be taken from warriors, and plunder retrieved from the fierce; I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will save.


prelude

–noun

1. a preliminary to an action, event, condition, or work of broader scope and higher importance.

2.any action, event, comment, etc. that precedes something else. 
3.Music
 a. a relatively short, independent instrumental composition, free in form and resembling an improvisation.

b. a piece that precedes a more important movement.

c. the overture to an opera.

d. an independent piece, of moderate length, sometimes used as an introduction to a fugue.

e. music opening a church service; an introductory voluntary.

 ***this word has come to mind multiple mornings this week as i've driven to work through the archways of multicolored autumn leaves

teaching quantum mechanics

Oh quantum mechanics...  It has been quite fun and challenging to try to introduce you to a young group of general chemistry students this past week.  I enjoyed the opportunity to tell the story of how experimental evidence didn't match the classical physics theory.  I always like talking about the discoveries found when we are carefully observant - when we look for something beautiful - something that strikes us with awe.  Within that small crack of deviation between the theory and observation, there existed a whole realm beyond what any had even imagined.  It is still difficult for us to imagine or even begin to describe...  and here I am, I'm trying to "teach" about particle-wave duality, intelligently, in a way that a student could begin to grasp at this crazy concept proposed by Prince de Broglie...  I must admit I don't even try to do this without a wink and a smile, readily admitting that this is difficult for us to wrap our minds around... 


Today when I was describing a node in an electron orbital as a region of zero electron density, one of my students asked "but how does the electron get to the other side of the node?"  I smiled mischeviously (maybe even laughed lightly) and said "good question," then paused, and asked if anyone else had any questions...  The class laughed together and the student himself responded saying, "well I guess it has to do with the wavelike property of the electron particle and how it is delocalized over the entire orbital."  LOVE IT when they answer their own question - well answer it with at least as good of an answer as I could give them to this mind boggling question...


Wednesday, I was discussing whether an orbital "exists" if it is not occupied by an electron.  I was explaining the way I think about it is that it exists whether or not there is electron density in it (whether or not there is an electron).  For most thinking on atomic and molecular orbitals, my way of thinking works out for me.  BUT I readily admit that if someone wants to argue the opposite way (that if the definition of an orbital is a region of electron density... then the orbital is only a possibility and not a reality if there is not any electron in it), THEN I'd readily let them win the argument...  because in reality this is along the same lines of - "which came first - the chicken or the egg?"  And in the end, we'd both be describing the same reality and actually both have an understanding of the underlying concept being discussed.  I said "what we are really doing here is attempting to describe a reality with words and our words are limited and all our analogies break down at some point."  It has been refreshing to know that I'm in good company on this point.  Some of my favorite science quotes come from the fathers of quantum mechanics

 

"When it comes to atoms, language can be used only as in poetry. The poet, too, is not nearly so concerned with describing facts as with creating images." - Niels Bohr

 

 "Quantum theory provides us with a striking illustration of the fact that we can fully understand a connection though we can only speak of it in images and parables." -Heisenberg

As a teacher, I'm sometimes surprised by the random images, analogies, and stories that end up coming out of my mouth as I try to demonstrate a point.  For instance:  With regards to precipitation reactions, I talk about people hooking up at a party.  With regards to the photoelectric effect, I actually talked about a photon putting up bail to get an electron out of jail.  Oh yeah - and I talked about Harry Potter in class - I was trying to make the point that the students have a quantized address just like an electron (theirs is dorm, floor, room, & bed, like the electron's is shell, subshell, orbital, & spin)   In this quantized world, you could live on floor one or floor two, but not floor 1.3... Then I said, "but the platform in Harry Potter violates this quantization principle".  I asked them what was its number again and they responded in pretty near unison "it is platform 9 and 3 quarters"


So, this is my recounting of some highlights from teaching on this (it still surprises me how fun i think teaching this is).  I've also had some thought connected to these concepts.  Specifically thinking about the delocalization of sin.  Also, thinking about how our lives, our transitions, are not like the transitions of the electrons from one level to another with no halfway or partway in between possible.  perhaps i'll write more about these thoughts in the days to come...

feet...

This past week I purchased my first pair of TOMS and I eagerly await their arrival in the mail this week...

Then this weekend I went out and tried on snow boots for the upcoming winter. I'm putting off that decision a little bit longer, but I did end up buying my first pair of house shoes...

Tonight the sermon talked a lot about feet...
Beginning by talking about the "bent" woman in Lk 13 and how she'd spent 18 years of her life looking at nothing but feet.  Then picturing the woman who washed Jesus's feet with her tears and hair. Remembering how foot washing was done at the table where the wine and bread were shared.  Thinking of the women who stayed by Jesus's feet as he hung from the cross. Jesus tenderly bent down to the woman who had been crippled for so long, bent down to the woman who wept at his feet, and bent down to wash the disciples feet... and yet on the cross he didn't bend down to comfort the women who stood by. He descended even further than any of them could imagine... defeating the grave, demonstrating the great power of his tender love.

some of what i've been learning from the animals...

i used to have roommates,
but now i have pets...
well they aren't actually  mine - i'm pet-sitting for this next year and i've got 2 cats (oliver and ziggy) and a dog (bella) to care for - this care is a bit more involved than my previous pet experience with fish ;)

the cats crack me up, they meow and meow, asking for food - i feed them twice a day - once in the morn and once at night - and yet you'd think i starve them based on how vigorously they sometimes beg...  i've thought about how i'm always listening to them, i can't tune their pleas out, sometimes i respond out loud - no or not now or not yet or i just fed you - and sometimes i am silent.  But I do give them what they are asking for - perhaps not when they ask, but when it is time - I feed them, give them water, clean up after them, play with them, allow them to curl up with me on the couch...

they remind me of the persistent widow.  they remind me of myself reminding God again and again of the desires He has placed in my heart.  He requires no reminding.  i sometimes (or oftentimes) do.  it has made me smile when i've heard their meows.  i've smiled because it has reminded me that the Lord hears my meows - the words of my prayers and the cries of my hearts.  i may not always receive a response from Him in the moment - but He hears and He does not withhold good from those He loves and He appoints the times and places...


stay tuned for future thoughts on
wishing I could let Bella (my dog) run loose in the back yard
caring for Flickr (the neighbors dog) and letting her out of her crate and house...

A pile of leaves...

     Yesterday morning as I got in my car I checked  my garage to see how many rakes and tarps I had.  I was meaning to respond to one of the college student group that was raking leaves as a fundraiser.  The day got busy and I forgot to send that email.  As I drove home from work, I wondered perhaps I should go ahead and do a first round of raking...

     As I pulled onto my street, I saw a pile of leaves along my side of the road - hmm that wasn't there when I left this morning, the neighbors must have raked there yard.  As I got closer, I noticed that their yard still had a lot of leaves in it...   Then I realized I could see the grass in my yard...  Oh my... I was so taken aback by it, that I actually drove around the block.  I was confused.  Even concerned that perhaps I had gotten in trouble with the city for not keeping up the yard better and was going to have a fine posted on my door.  Whelp, when I pulled into the driveway there was no posted fine or note of any sort.  I went over to my neighbor across the street and asked her if she'd seen who raked my yard.  She said an older couple in a silver car - I have no idea who this could be - I don't know very many folks in town and no older couple that I could think of. 
     I am blessed by this random act of kindness or confusion.  I'm hopeful that it wasn't an incident of address confusion and these folks raked the wrong yard (and are now perhaps waiting for a check in the mail).  I feel grateful to have been served in this manner whether intentional or unintentional.  And what if this was intentional, I must admit that I'd like to know who did it.  I'd like to sit down and share a meal and get to know them.  You see I'm lonely.  This act is kind and a tangible way for me to see God's provision through the anonymous act of strangers (but I am longing for the entertaining of strangers who may be the angels amongst us or of fellow sojourners for ministry one to another.) 
     This has caused me to think about how it is oftentimes easier and less messy to meet physical needs thrugh anonymous acts of kindness than to really meet the hearts and minds of those in need.  I in no way want to discount the glass of cold water or the pile of leaves in my front yard - they have value beyond what I realize.  Yet in my mind it is hard to build much of anything on a pile of leaves and in some ways the anonymity of it makes me feel more alone, not less...  I'm reminded that way more than any material gift I could want, I deeply desire the companionship of community and the fellowship of believers.  This makes me think of how in the future I want to extend my hand to not only serve another, but to shake their hand offering relationship.
     I accept from God's hand what He has brought.  I will remain grateful for what I have been given and not fix my eyes on what I have not.  I accept this good gift of leaves in my front yard.  I will choose to receive and remember it as a simple symbol of the unexpected good that He has in store for me.  

some thoughts on words...

Pastor Dan at my church back in PA has been blogging about words and their power to bless or curse (dannold.com) and  i've been thinking a lot about the vacuum that is created when words are withheld as well as listening beyond the surface of the words spoken...

i think we block the blessing many times by being scared or uncomfortable or shy or concerned with propriety or whatever and so we choose to not speak.  there is power that can come, but is held back when we do not give or accept forgiveness, when we do not recognize or encourage growth in one another, when we do not verbalize that we care for one another.  i think of the many fathers who are uncomfortable and so do not say to their own children "i love you".  i think the absence of these words is in itself passing on a curse instead of a blessing.  i also think that sometimes we hold back on speaking words that may wound, but are actually the very words that need to be spoken in order to recognize the curse and push past it to the blessing (i think of how "the wounds of a friend can be trusted", and the quote that "grace must wound before it heals")

this past sunday, the pastor was talking about aspects of biblical community and one of his points focused on "greeting one another with a holy kiss" - he suggested that this meant that we demonstrate our affection towards one another... i think this has some physical dynamic to it, but the larger chunk of it has to do with the outward expression done publicly and i think words are a major part of that.

on a similar note, i think it is important for us to listen beyond the words that are spoken - to hear the blessing or to hear how God wants to redeem the words that may have been spoken as a curse (by Him speaking truth over us).  i've learned that though my father may not say "i love you" when we part, he does say "you be good now, ya hear" and if i listen at the surface level i could receive a curse (he thinks i'm not good and am disobedient), but if i listen more deeply - i know his heart is hoping for good to be ahead of me and is actually speaking a blessing

new beginnings...

my compass points toward hope...

the past few months have held a lot of new beginnings...

new job

new house

new town

new state

the search for a church community

those initial connections with acquaintances that may become friendships


the journey goes on and though i don't know very many details of what these new things will become... i do know that HOPE lies ahead and upon this truth i take things one step at a time.  it may sometimes seem as if i'm meandering along and though i may not know exactly which branch to take at the junctions i encounter, i do believe that my meandering has purpose beyond what I can imagine...

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.


i've decided to record aspects of my life here and i may one day release it so others may look to see beth's life as she meanders on at hope...

this hope that i look to, it will not disappoint...

may i walk in truth and  in spirit being filled and overflowing with the love of our gracious and compassionate God