chaotic lines interweaving to receive communion

I've reflected on the beauty of needlework before
how on one side the pattern and picture is so clear and yet on the other there is this jumble of string crisscrossing and knoted and frayed
how this is a metaphor for me as to how we have one perspective and yet the Master Weaver has another

Last night as I was in line to receive communion I found beauty in the chaos that ensues when we allow people to come forward at their own initiative to partake the elements.  I leaned over and said to my friend who was there for the first time that this is chaotic and messy just as all really holy things are (i was thinking particularly of the Incarnation with the mess of child birth and a stable as we were taking part in a Christmas service).

As we stood patiently in a line for a long time watching lines curl in upon themselves, how the lines crossed each other, how new people entered midline... i felt as if I was observing something beautiful

After receiving the bread and wine and upon returning to my seat - crisscrossing the line again and climbing over people to find my place - i recollected the needlework metaphor and was struck again by how from the perspective of those of us in these knotted and twisted and swerving  lines there was disorganization and confusion and mess, but that on the other side of things... ahead, where we could not see to observe, there was something beautiful and holy occuring as each person heard "this is the body of Christ broken for you" and "this is the blood of Christ poured out for you" and then as each responded with "amen" receiving this deep identification and fellowship and communion

In the midst of chaos and confusion and situations that push me to become impatient, may i look for and expect that the sacred is occuring somewhere close by

and in that spirit of faith may i become patient seeking clarity and contentment - prayerfully whispering and longing looking for thy will to be done

posts i've started writing in my head...

precious reminders from a 4 year old
- ask to hear a person's stories, listen carefully, then ask for more
- while discussing animals we like, i went the opposite direction and said i didn't like mosquitos - she said it wasn't the mosquito that she didn't like, it was it biting her that she don't like.  o my, this point hit home with me in numerous ways

new scanning probe microscope

speaking in chapel...  ~i've yet to listen to myself, but you can find it here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fall-2011-hope-college-chapel/id469230174
  
the pain of suicide, CF, sexual abuse
     things are not as they should be, this is not how it was meant to be

Ginger comes to visit - cups of coffee and great conversations

box of chocolates

pumpkin this and pumpkin that
     carving pumpkin party at my place
     finding pumpkin ale and my favorite pear cider after a long week
     pumpkin muffins, soup, cheesecake, pancakes, waffles

we all fall short, and Joe Pa is no exception
     where have I in my own life missed an opportunity to bring light into a dark place?

sunshine breaking through the clouds in the midst of a stormy day

The trees must be laid bare in order to bear the weight of the winter ahead
     what do i need to let go of in order to bear what this next season brings?

sharing the bread and the cup, learning to love like Jesus

i hope to write out my thoughts on at least some of these things in the near future, but for now - here's a taste

sacred spots

My roommate caught me snapping this photo in the parking lot one day before aerobics class.  The photo is crooked and the sight not seemingly significant, but she knew right away why I was capturing this particular spot...
Sometimes we get a glimpse of something sacred and it leaves a mark.
Then the spot takes on special meaning and becomes holy ground.

You see about a month ago, we held "convocation" welcoming the incoming freshmen class to Hope.  This is a ceremony where the students are symbolically brought into our midst while their parents sit on the outside.  Afterwards, the parting begins...

While piling our regalia into the trunk of my car and laughing at our silly hats, myself and my friends spied something that struck us all simultaneously...

You see under that tree, the very one in the photo above, there was a family huddled together embracing one another with their heads bowed.  I don't know what words were said and I don't know who they were - but what I encountered moved me...  My heart leapt as I witnessed this beautiful sight of a loving family bowed together before the Lord.  My mind raced as I remembered my own college beginning and journey.  My gut tugged as I realized the weight of responsibility and opportunity I had to be part of the next step for this student who was leaving his family and coming here to Hope in hopes of becoming who God had created and called him to be.

You see in this sacred moment, this place became sacred and I want to remember...

It will be good...

I'm reading through the book of Luke right now.  Sometimes I'll read aloud and something will stand out. 
Last night it was the phrase "It will be good..."

In the 12th Chapter of Luke, there is a passage typically entitled "Watchfulness" (verse 35-48).  As I was speaking out loud I got stuck on the words "It will be good" and I repeated it at least 3 times before continuing... only to then come upon the phrase at the beginning of the next verse.  Again I repeated it multiple times.  I paused and smiled - reflecting upon the watchfulness for the coming of Christ with the assurance that "It will be good."  Thinking about how the watchfulness for how He is at work now brings with it the promise that whatever He is doing... "It will be good".  I then went back to the text and 5 verses later the same phrase was used.  This declaration of goodness is often overcast by the violence that follows in this chapter.  I think this reassurance of the goodness that awaits us is the good news that proceeds the bad news.  The bad news is the warnings that follow and I believe Jesus tells us these things, in this order, because he wants to situate us first in love before bringing the conviction that follows.  What spurs me to think this all the more is the scripture proceeding this passage that says “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."  He tells us not to be afraid as He announces the lavish favor that the Lord has for us.  He is not just willing, but has been pleased to give us the kingdom...  The fullness of what that means is beyond what I can understand and stirs my heart!

I pray that I may be found watching and ready as a faithful and wise steward - hoping eagerly for the good that will be...

Watchfulness

    ³⁵ “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, ³⁶ like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. ³⁷ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. ³⁸ It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak. ³⁹ But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. ⁴⁰ You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.”  ⁴¹ Peter asked, “Lord, are you telling this parable to us, or to everyone?”
 ⁴² The Lord answered, “Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time? ⁴³ It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns. ⁴⁴ Truly I tell you, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. ⁴⁵ But suppose the servant says to himself, ‘My master is taking a long time in coming,’ and he then begins to beat the other servants, both men and women, and to eat and drink and get drunk. ⁴⁶ The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.
   ⁴⁷ “The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. ⁴⁸ But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Letter to a younger me...

On the radio this morning, I heard them ask this question:
If you could go back and give advice to yourself 10 years ago,
what would you say?

My head went spinning back...
10 years ago I was starting the first semester of graduate school.
10 days from now 10 years ago, September 11th happened...

All day long this question has continued to bounce around.
If I could go back and talk to younger Beth...

I'd tell her that she is deeply and perfectly loved by a gracious and compassionate and patient and loving God
that even when she isn't speaking or listening to Him,
He is still calling out to her and her heart is still known by Him.
I'd tell her that she is deeply and imperfectly loved by family and friends
that relationships change and this will probably always be hard,
but that the love experienced within them is beautiful and timeless.

I'd tell her to be gentle both with herself and with others around her.
I'd be honest with her and tell her that pain lies ahead,
that it often can't be avoided or prevented.
I'd tell her to not walk through life trying to protect herself from getting hurt
but to step out and risk
to let go
dance

I'd challenge her to live and wrestle with the questions in her heart,
believing that in time truth will be revealed
to let her heart feel deeply and to experience her emotions more freely
I'd remind her of God's faithfulness in the past and I'd assure her that she will see it again and again
That I am still confident of this, she will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

day 1, year 2

i love the students
i give thanks for the opportunity of having them ask me to speak into their lives
i value the privilege that i have to watch them learn and begin to lead others
i rejoice in the hearing of them gasp and oooh and awww in delight as they watch an unexpected chemical transformation occur (mixing 2 clearish solutions together --> bright green solution --> crystals!)
i smile as they realize and express dismay that they must then later dissolve their crystals

You see they are destroying these crystals in order that they may be made new through a slower recrystallization process that will not occur in front of their eyes within the span of 30 minutes, but instead while the beakers are tucked away for the next week in their lab drawers.
i know the crystals will form again and that they will be of higher quality and purity.  some of the students even realize this, but nonetheless they are mournful as they heat up and stir away the spiky green kryptonite looking crystals.

i love the transformations that i'm given a front row seat to observe. 
they don't often happen quickly, but with patience and hope i seek to see

saying good-bye to summer...

Today I'm saying good-bye to summer and tomorrow I'll be part of welcoming a new class of freshmen to Hope.

I embraced summer today and squeezed savoring each drop - I slept in, took Bella on a walk in the sunshine, went and sat by the lake reading while not wearing sunscreen, visited a local market buying veggies and yummy blueberries, grilled out dinner, pampered myself by taking a long shower and painting my toenails, and capped off the day with some juicy watermelon.  Not only has today been full, so has the summer and I thought I'd take a little bit of time to remember the highlights...

- mentored 3 undergrads working on my research - way more exhausting than i imagined, but so good in the long run :)
- bought a house, repainted the main living space, moved in, did lots of house projects...
- lots of fun visitors helping me choose paint colors and put up the paint
- visit from my parent helping me settle in to the new house
- trip to Ohio to meet up with friends from PA
- PA friends come to visit me in MI
- great birthday with those friends including 2 visits to the beach and capping things off with port
- 4th of July picnic at my new place and then watching fireworks over Lake Mac
- lost and lots of grilling in my new backyard - one of my favorite features of my new place (it is hooked up to the house gas!)
- had students over a couple times for dinner and games
- gained a roommate to join Bella and I in the new house
- saw the final Harry Potter movie when it opened at midnight
- had a birthday party for a 4 year old
- had a onesies painting party for a baby on the way
- received funding to purchase a scanning probe microscope!
- watched my students present talks and posters and they did an excellent job
- drove to Alabama - visited with family and friends
- drove to Florida - meet my new nephew! visited my bro and sil, went to Disney and Cocoa Beach
- drove back to Alabama
- drove back to MI (probably won't do that type of driving trip again)
- flew out to Santa Barbara to visit two different companies that sell the microscope i'm buying
- got to put my feet in the Pacific and then eat on the deck of a restaurant watching the sun set over it, visited the mission in Santa Barbara, walked out over the ocean on the pier, and ate lunch outside at a restaurant on the harbour
- returned to MI and hit the ground running to prep for the upcoming semester
- pushed pause today to relish and reflect

I'm sure I'll think of more, but for now this list suffices. 
I remember and give thanks.
Hope whelms up for what lies ahead.
Tomorrow something new begins and we convocate

blueberries...

earlier today i picked a plethora of blueberries and i've already eaten more handfuls of them than i can count on my hands...

blueberries are one of my favorite fruits!  i've been wanting to plant a blueberry bush at my new house and when i moved in it was right at the optimum time for planting, yet when i went to look for them at the store i turned up empty handed...

shortly after moving to holland, i was reading something that talked about how it took newly planted blueberry bushes three years before they started to produce fruit.  that from when they are first planted and through those first two seasons there is a steady pruning as their growth is directed toward putting down roots and strengthening limbs.  the writer suggested that this too is often the case for us when we move to a new place...  the description of the tender roots taking hold and harsh pruning resonate with me.  the image of a strong bush with a delightful harvest of blueberries brought forth in the third season instilled me with hope...

it was after reading this that i decided i wanted a blueberry bush - to tend and to watch and to remember

today while perusing the store in search of a compost bin to buy, i happened across a discounted array of blueberry bushes.  it is late for planting them, but i selected them in hopes that it isn't too late.  tonight i planted them and when i stood back to look at my hard work, i remembered...  a year ago today was my last day in state college with my dear dear friends there.  it was on that evening when we shared a meal and watched silly songs online, we went to ghetto weiss in mass with the mission of each selecting a random ice cream topping to share, and then we prayed and i cried as it was one of the most searingly painful experiences my heart has endured...  my roots were torn from the ground...

it is incredibly and beautifully fitting that today i planted a blueberry bush in hopes of the fruit to come... i believe this is a God orchestrated moment to remind me of His love and His timing...  i am a bit awestruck and deeply grateful

throwing out an anchor...

my tender roots are still hesitantly testing out the soil here at hope
but my gut told my head to throw an anchor down into the deep blue
so now i'm swaying and stable

i say goodbye tonight to the house i've called home here for much of the past year and to the animals that have been my constant company...
my anchor to this town comes in the form of this new house i've bought with a wandering heart that is still confused about how that happened...
but something changed and there is ground beneath my feet to press against as I press on to take hold of that for which Christ has called me here...

the best part of a rainy day...

... is the puddles left behind
i pause to study reflections of what surrounds
in this mirror i find stillness and clarity after a violent downpour
lingering drips from clouds and drops from leaves disturb
but these ripples do not destroy
they pass like the storm

bits along the way...

i'm known for picking up little bits along the way...  it isn't unusual for me to return from a walk with something in my pocket, typically a pretty rock of some sort.  i'll be meandering along pondering life when something will catch my eye and i'll be moved to stop, kneel, and receive the bit into my hand.  these bits come to represent whatever prayer or praise was on my heart.  i have a collection of these bits that stands as a sort of altar...

the past couple weeks have held many events worthy of pondering from the tornadoes just two weeks back to my sister's graduation and upcoming move to TX (the family is spreading), from OBL's death to the final stages of buying a house, from finding out that the president of my school is retiring to submitting final grades,  from affirming conversations with students to watching them leave as i participate in my first graduation ceremony as a prof, and especially the bit where my sister in law underwent pretty intense labor and delivery to bring forth a little boy named David (the family is growing).  my heart feels spread out thin like butter as i'm missing my friends and family...  like waves, change continues to roll my way and i'm bobbing up and down still trying to find the ground so i can get my footing...

taking my dog, Bella, for a walk oftentimes does not result in me finding anything along the way as my eyes are most often focused on keeping her in line.  however yesterday i came across not one, but two, hatched bird eggs.  symbols of new life, abundant new life :)  but also symbols of struggle, of cracking open the shell, of becoming vulnerable...  staying in the shell, nothing new is brought forth, but pushing outward results in breakthrough to a whole new ginormous realm...  i picture those baby birds as they grow from gasping for breath to constantly tweeting to teetering on the edge before taking flight. 

 

the broken egg shells resonate with me as representative of this time, this springtime, and in the midst of it all, i'm choosing hope

tornadoes and birth pangs

     I was telling one of my students about the tornadoes in AL this morning - finals are coming up and keeping on top of the news is not on the top of their "to do" lists.  As I showed him some of the photos online, he looked and said two words, "birth pangs". 
   In the past, there have been times when people have said this to me - in particular I remember this occurance after Hurricane Katrina and after the tsunami that hit S. Asia that Christmas season.  Never did those words resonant and they actually instead created great dissonance within me.  How could a loving God allow these random acts of nature, of violence, to occur?  I still can't answer that question, but I could tell you a story involving a lightening bug that gave me some perspective...  another day perhaps for that...
   Today, the words "birth pangs" jolted me.  I was reminded once again that things are not as they were meant to be, that creation groans for the day when all will be made new.  Actually the word "groans" is all I could say in response to my student and in my head I was reminded that birth pangs bring forth new life and there is so much joy and celebration in the light of this that the pain and tears are no more.  Life as it was meant to be and as it will be is beyond my imagination.  It lies in the hands of a loving God whose vantage point is greater than mine, whose power and ability exceeds my own, and whose faithfulness and lovingkindness outlast all my rebellion and apathy.
   I can't bring myself to write or say or claim that the pain of these major disastors and my personal minor devastations will pale in comparison to what eternity holds.  Yet something within prompts me toward this hope.  I can't see it now.  I can't imagine that these things fit into renewal when they are so destructive.  I yearn for the liberation, the freedom, the glory, the adoption, the redemption that is and is to come.  I hope for what I do not see.

Romans 8

Present Suffering and Future Glory

 ¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
 ²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
 ²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
 ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

As I wrote this, I remembered that I'd read one of my pastor's blogs about this same topic after the recent earthquake in Japan.  Thought I should cite him :)  http://www.dannold.com/?p=2920

...in the light of His glory and grace

I awoke yesterday morning with the refrain of this song in my head and on my heart - 'tis still spinning around.  I love the focus on His Glory and His Grace.  The second verse really stood out to me...

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS  ~Words and Music by Helen H. Lemmel, 1922 

O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Saviour,
And life more abundant and free. 

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion -
For more than conquerors we are! 

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

His Word shall not fail you - He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well;
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell. 

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Hope as we reflect on this glory and grace that are hearts and heads are filled with light and love to celebrate our Savior and to follow after Him more freely.

the day between

the saturday between good friday and resurrection day is a day of dormancy

when life as we know it and life as we thought it would be, isn't any longer

when what is to come, isn't within the realm of our ability to even imagine

today i remember what Mary said when her life as she had known and planned it to be was over and yet she could not begin to grasp what lay ahead.  on that day she said "Nothing is impossible with God" (Jn 1:37)

this morning I really needed to hear this preached "It's not over"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flZ1phdgyZw 

returning home

the theme of home has come up again and again over the past two weeks as i've been away from home - traveling first to CA for work and then to AL and FL for a family visit

it felt like returning home
to be with my grad advisor and former labmates and to use equipment that i purchased and used daily throughout my grad school career - despite the fact that the lab had moved across the country from PA to CA

it felt like home
running into former colleagues as i walked through the hallways of the convention center, although this was not the passing in corridors of academic spaces we previously shared

it tasted like home
to be sharing breakfast and good conversation with a friend who used to live across the street and now lives across the continent

it was home
to return to Alabama and sleep in the bed my parents purchased for me when I was 9

it tasted like home
as i drank down the delicious nectar of sweet tea that used to be my daily fix

it felt like home
to be with my mother, father, aunt, and sister even in a hotel room

it was home
even in homes i'd never entered as my sister and brother welcomed me into their apartments and took me around their respective campuses

it felt like home
to have the temperature rise and the storm clouds gather resulting in sirens heralding tornadoes and delaying my flight as i was returning home

Did you catch that?  I just said "returning home", as in returning to Michigan.  This was a purposeful use of the term calling Michigan my home.  This is me choosing to call Michigan home.

Did you catch it in the first line?  I said I was "away from home".  This wasn't purposefully stated, but is how I've felt for the past several months.  I've felt like I'm away from home (and not just when I've been traveling).

It was these trips to these people and places that are home that have me thinking about what it looks like and means to be at home.  It is the familiarity that rings the most true.  I'm familiar with the weather patterns of Alabama and knew that my flight would be delayed.  I'm familiar with how to use the metal evaporator I used regularly in graduate school.  Seeing familiar faces and having shared experiences provides groundwork for meeting again in an unfamiliar place and after time has passed.  It is familiarity birthed from connections. 

"Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer."
(EM Forster in Howard's End)

I delight in connecting the ordinary to the extraordinary.  This quote carries a lot of weight with me, but I'll save most of that for another day.  For today, I want to share that I'm choosing to connect to Michigan.

I'm putting my stake in the ground.  I've put in an offer to buy a house here.  I'm choosing to put down roots.  I'll no longer be able to play the game (in my head) that this all can be temporary because I'm just renting.  I'm investing in this house, but more than that I'm choosing to create a home.  A home where I pray connections (of all sorts) will be made and where love will be experienced at its height.  That my meandering journey and fragments of all my homes can be brought together into a sort of bird's nest, with twigs and string gathered along the way.  A place of rest and growth and strengthening set high in the bough of a tree, a tree that connects us all together.  Remembering that this house is as temporal as the nest, I am reminded that it is in my Father's house where all the fragmentation will cease.  Shalom is found there.

seed - harvesting and sowing

The season of harvesting and the season of sowing are separate interrupted by a hibernation that is as deathYet this apparent grave becomes unmaskedthe snow melts and the ground thaws Fields present themselves for plowingso that the soil may breathe and receive the seeds from harvest pastThe seeds that must die will be sown
dying to birth that which has been lying dormantoffering themselves to bring forth fruitFor this purpose, they are thrown down 

This writing is still in flux but has arisen from this verse in Luke that has been sticking with me during this Lenten season and from singing in church this morning the The Desert Song by Hillsong, the last verse in particular always seems to get me

John 12:24  - Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

The Desert Song by Hillsong

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

between the wearing of the ashes and the bestowing of the crown

This passage from 2 Corinthians 5 reminds me of the tension of the already, but not yet.  The tension of the now - between the wearing of the ashes and the bestowing of the crown of beauty... 

v1 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  v2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling,  v3 because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. v4 For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  v5 Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Whether the earthly tent here refers to the house in which I reside or the flesh in which I abide, it is not really a matter of "if" they will be destroyed, but "when" they will crumble and decay...  and when that comes to pass, may it be that I will trust the hands of the Heavenly Father to provide shelter for my head and my soul.
And while still in this world and this flesh - both of which have fallen in sin - I groan.  I groan because of the pain experienced and inflicted - because this is not how it was meant to be... and because of the work of Christ, this is not how it will be.  I long for that day when all will be set right and all is made new...
No sin and no shame.  I will not be found lacking, falling short.  I will be clothed, filled, swallowed up by life.
This hope is guaranteed by the Spirit - living in me, interceding for me, leading me toward what is to come - beauty for ashes...

Ashes

Remembering that in Jesus this scripture passage from Isaiah 61 was, is, and will be fulfilled

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,
² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

On this first day of Lent, we are marked with ashes as a reminder of our sinfulness and mortality.  We set our eyes forward, remembering the journey to the cross that Jesus took for us.  This journey that ended not with the grave, but with resurrection.  Our ashes, our flesh, our sin - it will not remain - it will be wiped away and upon our heads he will bestow crowns of beauty.

beauty replacing ashes, joy replacing mourning, praise replacing despair

This morning, I was thinking of the line from the children's song
"Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down"
May we fall down in worship, humbled by our sin, desiring the transformation and restoration that the Lord wants to bring, prepared to be planted by Him, so that we may display His splendor...


This song "Restoration" comes to mind as I write this...

 

Lent

although the ground is covered with snow, there is a songbird outside my window beckoning spring...

it is this pronouncement of the awakening to come, in the midst of the season of hibernation, that stirs my heart

i've been longing for springtime

i want this upcoming season of lent to be a time of tuning my heart to hear and training my feet to dance according to the song of the One who sings over me

i want to remove that which distracts me from Him and eliminate the noise that fills my ears and mind (but does not satisfy my heart and soul)

i want to fast - not to punish myself, but to position myself toward Him

i want my heart and my ears and my voice and my posture to be turned toward the Light

as the days lengthen and the snow outside will melt, i want my time with Him to deepen and my heart to soften

for the springtime and the resurrection have come and are coming

may i remember, prepare, and rejoice

this 'n that

so the past couple weeks have been full of a lot of this 'n that.  in many ways i've felt like the new kid on the block, which i guess i still am.  this has led to me not feeling very grounded, so i'm grounding myself by remembering some of the fun, the funny, and the funky from the past two weeks.  Below is my attempt at remembering a highlight or lowlight for each day...
today: a hug - i wrote a letter of rec for a student to our nursing program.  she popped by my office to say she had been accepted and to say thanks for writing the letter - the hug caught me off guard, but her excitement over this acceptance made me smile :)
sunday: finished this baby bib for my sister in law's baby shower next weekend (i love looking at both the front and back of the pattern)

saturday: i've gotten some friends addicted to Settlers of Catan (the trick really is to go easy on them the first couple times so they can win - then amp up your game ;) )  one of them had the largest army i've ever seen - 8 soldiers!!!
friday: i made some pumpkin and black bean soup - yum!  also rented and finally watched the movie "slumdog millionaire"
thursday: "offended"
- i totally put my foot in my mouth in front of the chair of the engineering department and offended him as he thought i was insulting his department and engineers in general - i MUST learn to think a bit more before speaking... i did not at all mean to demean his students!
- that evening attended a faculty forum to discuss discrimination on campus and the "campus climate".  it was disturbing/astounding/frustrating to hear how much people used the word offended.  it seems to have a way of shutting down discussion rather than leading to understanding.  i also think if we are looking for offense it is easy to find...
***i have remembered many times over the past couple weeks how i've been told that "dead things aren't offended and that as christians we are called to die to ourselves daily" - so i think we should be very slow to be offended (as we should also be slow to anger) - i desire to not offend others and to not jump quickly to be offended (but instead listen with grace and listen to the heart behind the words spoken)
wednesday: got to have a great talk with one of my students after my lab class - he is such a gifted student, but has some learning disabilities that we got to discuss.  he wrote me later to thank me for the great "chatski"
tuesday: seems my animals had a bit of a wasabi craving!  (they did all that work to get inside, but it was actually empty...)

monday: departmental meeting to divy up the summer research students and funding... i'm thinking it might be analogous to the nfl draft ;)
sunday: snow snow snow (after it had thawed away and i could see the ground for the first time this year)
saturday: got to watch the sunset over frozen lake michigan

friday: opened my hungry mouth (because i hadn't eaten lunch), uttered an opinion to the chair of the department (which happens to be the opposite of his opinion), got an excessively long email sent to half the department addressing the issue i brought up (in which it states i will send an email representing my opinion)...
lessons to be learned - 1) eat lunch, 2) be careful what topics you broach over the coffee pot, 3) think more before speaking
*also went to a really great lecture about "prophetic imagination" - i should blog about this soon
thursday: students square dancing to represent olefin metathesis reactions - "cotton eye joe" was played and there was much knee slapping - surprised at how much they enjoyed it!
wednesday: first day "back to work" after winter break on monday and tuesday...  i spent a good portion of those days grading lab reports - lot and lots of green ink
tuesday: Wallace and Gromit for the first time...  the rube goldberg machines were so fun
monday: visited the Dr Seuss art exhibit at our tiny Holland Museum (free admission to  locals on Mondays!)

giving thanks - day 7 of 7

the lake deep and wide
frozen beyond the eye can see
beautiful beyond imagination
i sought it out

the sky blooming

clouds aflame

transient and fleeting beauty 

it sought me out 

giving thanks - day 6.5 of 7

You know how you squint your eyes on a sunny day when the rays are bouncing off the water's waves or the piles of snow.  You know how you avert your eyes downward when you come across a couple engaged in an intimate embrace...

I experienced these responses combined today when i encountered an act of generosity while standing in line to checkout at the grocery store.

The story actually begins in the international food aisle.  I overheard a mother explaining to her daughter the difference between a necessity and a want.  I smiled as I thought that i'd just encountered a teachable moment.

After completing my shopping, I chose the shortest checkout line and pushed up my buggy.  I was the third person in line.  After a moment, I realized there was some delay as negotiating was happening between the checkout clerk and the same mother I'd seen previously.  There were still items sitting on the counter and the mom was trying to figure out what to put back from her bags in order to purchase a few more of the remaining items.  You see she was holding cash and only had so much.  I could sense the desperation beneath her calm exterior.  Between this mother and I was another women, she stepped forward and offered to pay for the remaining items.  The mother at first said no, but the other woman again said she'd like to.  The mother said that she didn't have a way to pay her back, but the other woman said she'd like her to just pay it forward.  The mother said to the clerk that she didn't know what to do or how to respond.  The clerk told her to simply say thank you.  I had to back away and look down, eventually picking up a magazine.  This moment was so bright and so beautiful that I could not look at it or intrude upon it.  You hear people tell this type of story, but witnessing it was extraordinary.  I know that none of us left that aisle unaffected.  I listened to the clerk and the woman who paid for the groceries exchange details about their children.  I played with the young boy who was loading his mother's groceries behind me.

As I left the grocery store, I was reflecting on that moment.  My thinking was interrupted as I heard someone hollering at me "M'am, M'am - you left this".  The clerk had run out of the store after me, wearing her short sleeves work shirt and carrying a bag containing a two liter of soda and a container of salad dressing.  I couldn't believe she'd done that and for a bag with hardly anything in it.   At least from my perspective, those two things in the bag are hardly worth all that effort.  What a stark contrast to the mother that had checked out 2 people before me.  She was having to keep track of each penny to get all of her necessities.  Whereas I could so easily leave behind some non-necessities (like her daughter had been asking for in the international food aisle).   I'm struck by my abundance.  I'm aware that I have much for which to be grateful...

giving thanks - day 6 of 7

sunshine

giving thanks - day 5 of 7

wasabi

don't know why, but i've been craving it this week

i popped by 2 stores earlier in the week to find wasabi peas to satisfy this urge

turns out the third time is the charm

today i found them and splurged

my need for wasabi has been met and for that i'm thankful

giving thanks - day 4 of 7

i'm thankful for coffee

mixed with a little bit of cream

when i first get up in the morning

oh it smells and tastes so good

but it is even better

when shared with another

in my kitchen, my office, a coffee shop...

i'm thankful most for cups of coffee

mixed with conversation

giving thanks - day 3 of 7

giving thanks - day 2 of 7

So today, i'm going with the simple irony that is...
i am thankful for words of thanks and encouragement

Below is an email I got from a student today.  I had her in lecture last semester and today stood in for her lab professor because he was out of town.  I didn't do anything unusual or special for her today and there is no advantage for her to sweeten me up.  Her simple words of thanks were my highlight of the day.  I'm thankful that my words encouraged her and so grateful for her words of encouragement to me!

Hello there Dr. Anderson!

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed having you in lab this morning.  :) You did a great job of keeping me encouraged, because Chemistry is truly NOT the easiest thing for me. I just really appreciated it. Thank you!

Claire

 

 

...and yes, words of affirmation are my love language, both in the giving and receiving (quality time is pretty high up there too)

giving thanks - day 1 of 7

i've decided it is a good exercise for me to write about one thing i'm thankful for each day for the next week

so, this one that boggles my mind and is a very good reason to give thanks
i'm not hating the snow
or more positively stated
i'm surviving the snow

in years gone past in PA - i'd be dreading each prediction of snow and cranky with all the freezing temps
but something is different
even though there is more snow, more often and lower temps with more wind
i'm not miserable :)

now why is this?
i've come up with 3 reasons - each worthy of thanks
1) my neighbor, Ron - he uses his snowblower to plow my driveway - not having to shovel is awesome!
2) a garage - not having to dig out my car or sweep away snow or scrape off frost is amazing!
3) parking lot behind my building - i don't have to venture out and about much in the winter wonderland - having just a short jaunt from my car to office is great!

mercury drops and polka dots

mercury drops and polka dots
these are representative of the lows and highs of my lab these days

i'm learning that there is no use crying over mercury spills
(due to thermometer breakage),
although it seems there is use spending big bucks to buy expensive alternatives.
the silver little droplets splayed across the lab floor are shiny and fascinating,
but chasing them around to sweep up tis not so fun

so exciting to see visible polka dots appear on my substrate
nanoparticles assembled on "invisible" chemical spots on the substrate
i may have squealed when i saw them and for sure have showed them off
proof of concept experiment yielding results tis quite fun

stone of hope

One of the most precious gifts I received this Christmas came in the mail and was received upon my return from holiday travel.  My friend sent me this stone with the word "Hope" carved into it.  In addition to this stone that I unwrapped, there was also a card in that stack of mail from another friend with a blessing for "hope in this new year wrapped in bright shiny packaging..."
Last week as we were commemorating MLK day, I came across the following excerpt from his "I Have a Dream" speech

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
  
Other than the 40th chapter of Isaiah, this brings to my mind - Romans 5:1-5
"we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope."

If in our despair and suffering we persevere,
hewing away at the mountain and allowing the valleys to be filled,
then we are shaped and carved ourselves as we work and pray and struggle,
so that we come to experience more fully a tangible hope
that we behold with our eyes and hold in our hearts and hands.

I hold on to that hope as I hold on to my "Hope" stone -
knowing that it symbolizes what lies within the mountain,
that it represents what lies ahead...

the glory of the Lord shall be revealed!

taking the hands of sorrow and suffering

i'm rereading Hind's Feet for High Places
i love when books come across our paths at just the right time
and how that sometimes happens multiple times with the same book
this is again one of those times for me

***warning there may be spoilers ahead ;) ***

as i was reading about the main character's journeying with Sorrow and Suffering (the two companions the Good Shepherd had selected to lead her to the High Places), it talked about her learning to take their hands in order to be strengthened and supported on her journey.

it made me think of what it means to take someones hands - the intimacy of holding hands exhibits trust, gentleness, and nearness.

i wonder especially what it looks like to take the hands of sorrow and suffering -  to receive them instead of battling against or ignoring them -  to receive them and hold on and perhaps press against it gently in order to move along.

half n' half

people say "if it's not one thing, it's another"

when i view my glass half empty, i see all the flaws
with everything, there seems to be some curse
things seem to be more difficult or complicated than they should be
every transaction contains a hiccup

when i view my glass half full, i see beauty in the cracks
with everything, there seems to be some blessing
things seem to be full of opportunity or splendidly weaved together
every transaction contains a smile

whether we view our glass half empty or half full,
the water is only at the halfway point

this morning i was thinking about the half empty
why things aren't clean cut and simple
and just in general why something always seems to be going wrong

then i was reminded
this world is hurting and filled with broken people
things are not as they were meant to be
i was reminded that we live in the "already, not yet", at the halfway point
this is not heaven and it is not the new earth

the refraction from the brokenness
cast light upon my heart
pointing to the hope that lies ahead

green crystals

this has been a week of green crystals for me
no, i didn't take a journey to the emerald city
although i did imagine green crystals that looked like emeralds

i actually had no idea what the crystals would look like
all i knew was they'd be green

i'd never seen them and i'd never made them
but i was going to be "teaching" my gen chem AND inorganic lab class how to make some sort of green crystals
i've read the lab manual about how you make them
i've done this type of thing at least once or twice before
but other than the fact that they are described as "green",
      i was at a loss of what to expect
i didn't know what the initial colors of the solutions would be
i didn't know how it would change as solutions were mixed together
i didn't know if the crystals would be big or small,
     if they would grow quickly or slowly...

so it was a bit of an adventure for me as their tour guide
i was on the lookout for the destination alongside them,
but i'd never been to the sight we were headed toward

though i've not before walked the path we took yesterday and today,
i've navigated many like it before
so although i wasn't able to give them a heads up to look for certain sights along the way,
i was able to use the intuition that has been built up on my journeys before in order to help them along
it was especially fun to share the excitement of first time discoveries with them
i was able to join them in awe and in perplexity

my gen chem students combined iron with some organic ligands
     and got neon green spiky crystals
my inorganic students combined cobalt with some organic ligands
     and got forest green tiny sand-like crystals

it was fun to be a part of their work
it made me think about mentoring and discipleship in a new light
sometimes i think of the mentor as passing along what they have already learned and received,
but it isn't simply a downloading of what one knows to another person
the student is probably not trying to make the same type of crystals we've made previously
so they benefit in their journey from intuition we've developed on our own journeys
and we attempt to apply what we know and have experienced to give them wisdom as they travel along
we sit back puzzled with them when things go a bit awry
we celebrate alongside them when they find something new

i'm tentative to teach something i've never done myself
but i think it stretches me in a good way as a teacher and a mentor
to speak from a place of not having already anticipated the question and formulated an answer
to instead speak from what I know from my past experience and then apply it to the question presented
we discover the answer together
and it is delightful when the light bulbs in me and in them go off together

failure to control

Today, I paid a ticket issued to me by the Ohio State Trooper that showed up at my wreck...
Did you know you get a ticket when you have an accident?
This is one of numerous things I've learned in the past couple weeks.
Another lesson, check that the VIN number on your car matches the paperwork you sign (but that's a different story all together)

Guess what the ticket is for...

"failure to control"

Yep, I am guilty as charged...

Funny - it literally contains the word "control" which has been a key theme in all this, but also that it gives me an F for my ability to be in control...  I've never received an F.  Fear of failure has actually driven much of my "achievement" in life, driven much of my need to be in control...

Humbling to fail, Humbling to lose control

But I think letting go is good

A friend gave me this quote the night before I left State College after New Years and I thought of it just now

"For this is wrong, if anything is wrong:
not to enlarge the freedom of a love
with all the inner freedom one can summon.
We need, in love, to practice only this:
letting each other go.
For holding on comes easily;
we do not need to learn it."
~Ranier Maria Rilke (Requiem for a Friend)

I'm learning to let go...
especially of my fears of failure and of hurting others
and
I'm learning to yield to and trust the One who is in control...
letting go of what lies behind in order to receive what awaits ahead

dance lessons

so last thursday i had my first car wreck.  i lost control of my car while in the middle lane beside a semi truck (it was snowy and wet). i hit the center concrete median and then was bounced back across the three lanes of traffic to end up perpendicular to the road in a ditch... the car is totaled, but i walked away and am now only a bit stiff, sore, and foggy headed

i think the things i'm most grateful for right now are
1) that my accident, my loss of control over my car, did not result in hurting anyone else
2) that i was blessed to spend so much good quality time during my holiday with family and friends

i think the theme for the lessons in the midst of all this is that i am not in control.  it seems that though i know this already and acknowledge it regularly, that it is a truth i will continue to learn again and again and the reality of it will continue to sink in deeper and deeper.

one of the scriptures that has resounded in my head the past few months has been the reminder "do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" - humility - i don't know that i ever consciously realized it, but when i've heard others talk about "losing control" when driving, i've looked down on them and thought that i was above that ever happening to me...

i know that one of the things i fear most is hurting others either unintentionally or even obliviously while in an attempt to help.  i'm continuing to learn to let go of that fear (for so many reasons) and i think it goes back to learning that if i can't control my own circumstances, then i certainly can't control how others may respond.  i can be discerning, sensitive, wise, and careful, but ultimately i'm not in control (or even aware) of all the variables involved.

i want to live in the midst of that
moving with grace as in a dance
and knowing that in the dance
we will bump into one another
we will occasionally step on each others toes
but i want to keep dancing

once at a barn dance,
a guy in boots stepped on my leg
from the knee down to the ankle
i had to step aside for a moment and lean against the wall
but i got back out there for the final two-step

i now realize sometimes there are slick spots on the dance floor
and i may fall
and it is possible in my flailing about
that i could take down another...
but when my butt or my head hits the floor
first i need to remember to breathe
and give thanks for that breath
then look about, move a bit, reach out to the hand offering to help me up,
then take a moment, shake things off, and get back in the dance

i want to move about freely in the dance
not with controlled and careful movements
not fearful that i may bump into another
not worrying that my partner may step on my toes
not anxiously looking about for slick spots on the floor
but looking around
enjoying myself and enjoying the others around me who join in the dance

the day before the wreck, i had a filled dance card with a diverse sound track
unwrapping presents
sharing lunch with good conversation
taking time for tea
watching wrestling videos
chopping veggies
chowing down on thai food
lounging around petting my dog
giving hugs to a room full of folks
washing a pile of dirty dishes
staying up late
and all this was quality time and good conversation with some of my favorite people ranging from a toddler to one of the wisest women i know and  including many of my dearest of friends
twas good and i am grateful

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...
these are all dance lessons
from the kitchen floor to the ohio turnpike
i'm learning to live with grace