stone of hope

One of the most precious gifts I received this Christmas came in the mail and was received upon my return from holiday travel.  My friend sent me this stone with the word "Hope" carved into it.  In addition to this stone that I unwrapped, there was also a card in that stack of mail from another friend with a blessing for "hope in this new year wrapped in bright shiny packaging..."
Last week as we were commemorating MLK day, I came across the following excerpt from his "I Have a Dream" speech

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
  
Other than the 40th chapter of Isaiah, this brings to my mind - Romans 5:1-5
"we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope."

If in our despair and suffering we persevere,
hewing away at the mountain and allowing the valleys to be filled,
then we are shaped and carved ourselves as we work and pray and struggle,
so that we come to experience more fully a tangible hope
that we behold with our eyes and hold in our hearts and hands.

I hold on to that hope as I hold on to my "Hope" stone -
knowing that it symbolizes what lies within the mountain,
that it represents what lies ahead...

the glory of the Lord shall be revealed!

taking the hands of sorrow and suffering

i'm rereading Hind's Feet for High Places
i love when books come across our paths at just the right time
and how that sometimes happens multiple times with the same book
this is again one of those times for me

***warning there may be spoilers ahead ;) ***

as i was reading about the main character's journeying with Sorrow and Suffering (the two companions the Good Shepherd had selected to lead her to the High Places), it talked about her learning to take their hands in order to be strengthened and supported on her journey.

it made me think of what it means to take someones hands - the intimacy of holding hands exhibits trust, gentleness, and nearness.

i wonder especially what it looks like to take the hands of sorrow and suffering -  to receive them instead of battling against or ignoring them -  to receive them and hold on and perhaps press against it gently in order to move along.

half n' half

people say "if it's not one thing, it's another"

when i view my glass half empty, i see all the flaws
with everything, there seems to be some curse
things seem to be more difficult or complicated than they should be
every transaction contains a hiccup

when i view my glass half full, i see beauty in the cracks
with everything, there seems to be some blessing
things seem to be full of opportunity or splendidly weaved together
every transaction contains a smile

whether we view our glass half empty or half full,
the water is only at the halfway point

this morning i was thinking about the half empty
why things aren't clean cut and simple
and just in general why something always seems to be going wrong

then i was reminded
this world is hurting and filled with broken people
things are not as they were meant to be
i was reminded that we live in the "already, not yet", at the halfway point
this is not heaven and it is not the new earth

the refraction from the brokenness
cast light upon my heart
pointing to the hope that lies ahead

green crystals

this has been a week of green crystals for me
no, i didn't take a journey to the emerald city
although i did imagine green crystals that looked like emeralds

i actually had no idea what the crystals would look like
all i knew was they'd be green

i'd never seen them and i'd never made them
but i was going to be "teaching" my gen chem AND inorganic lab class how to make some sort of green crystals
i've read the lab manual about how you make them
i've done this type of thing at least once or twice before
but other than the fact that they are described as "green",
      i was at a loss of what to expect
i didn't know what the initial colors of the solutions would be
i didn't know how it would change as solutions were mixed together
i didn't know if the crystals would be big or small,
     if they would grow quickly or slowly...

so it was a bit of an adventure for me as their tour guide
i was on the lookout for the destination alongside them,
but i'd never been to the sight we were headed toward

though i've not before walked the path we took yesterday and today,
i've navigated many like it before
so although i wasn't able to give them a heads up to look for certain sights along the way,
i was able to use the intuition that has been built up on my journeys before in order to help them along
it was especially fun to share the excitement of first time discoveries with them
i was able to join them in awe and in perplexity

my gen chem students combined iron with some organic ligands
     and got neon green spiky crystals
my inorganic students combined cobalt with some organic ligands
     and got forest green tiny sand-like crystals

it was fun to be a part of their work
it made me think about mentoring and discipleship in a new light
sometimes i think of the mentor as passing along what they have already learned and received,
but it isn't simply a downloading of what one knows to another person
the student is probably not trying to make the same type of crystals we've made previously
so they benefit in their journey from intuition we've developed on our own journeys
and we attempt to apply what we know and have experienced to give them wisdom as they travel along
we sit back puzzled with them when things go a bit awry
we celebrate alongside them when they find something new

i'm tentative to teach something i've never done myself
but i think it stretches me in a good way as a teacher and a mentor
to speak from a place of not having already anticipated the question and formulated an answer
to instead speak from what I know from my past experience and then apply it to the question presented
we discover the answer together
and it is delightful when the light bulbs in me and in them go off together

failure to control

Today, I paid a ticket issued to me by the Ohio State Trooper that showed up at my wreck...
Did you know you get a ticket when you have an accident?
This is one of numerous things I've learned in the past couple weeks.
Another lesson, check that the VIN number on your car matches the paperwork you sign (but that's a different story all together)

Guess what the ticket is for...

"failure to control"

Yep, I am guilty as charged...

Funny - it literally contains the word "control" which has been a key theme in all this, but also that it gives me an F for my ability to be in control...  I've never received an F.  Fear of failure has actually driven much of my "achievement" in life, driven much of my need to be in control...

Humbling to fail, Humbling to lose control

But I think letting go is good

A friend gave me this quote the night before I left State College after New Years and I thought of it just now

"For this is wrong, if anything is wrong:
not to enlarge the freedom of a love
with all the inner freedom one can summon.
We need, in love, to practice only this:
letting each other go.
For holding on comes easily;
we do not need to learn it."
~Ranier Maria Rilke (Requiem for a Friend)

I'm learning to let go...
especially of my fears of failure and of hurting others
and
I'm learning to yield to and trust the One who is in control...
letting go of what lies behind in order to receive what awaits ahead

dance lessons

so last thursday i had my first car wreck.  i lost control of my car while in the middle lane beside a semi truck (it was snowy and wet). i hit the center concrete median and then was bounced back across the three lanes of traffic to end up perpendicular to the road in a ditch... the car is totaled, but i walked away and am now only a bit stiff, sore, and foggy headed

i think the things i'm most grateful for right now are
1) that my accident, my loss of control over my car, did not result in hurting anyone else
2) that i was blessed to spend so much good quality time during my holiday with family and friends

i think the theme for the lessons in the midst of all this is that i am not in control.  it seems that though i know this already and acknowledge it regularly, that it is a truth i will continue to learn again and again and the reality of it will continue to sink in deeper and deeper.

one of the scriptures that has resounded in my head the past few months has been the reminder "do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" - humility - i don't know that i ever consciously realized it, but when i've heard others talk about "losing control" when driving, i've looked down on them and thought that i was above that ever happening to me...

i know that one of the things i fear most is hurting others either unintentionally or even obliviously while in an attempt to help.  i'm continuing to learn to let go of that fear (for so many reasons) and i think it goes back to learning that if i can't control my own circumstances, then i certainly can't control how others may respond.  i can be discerning, sensitive, wise, and careful, but ultimately i'm not in control (or even aware) of all the variables involved.

i want to live in the midst of that
moving with grace as in a dance
and knowing that in the dance
we will bump into one another
we will occasionally step on each others toes
but i want to keep dancing

once at a barn dance,
a guy in boots stepped on my leg
from the knee down to the ankle
i had to step aside for a moment and lean against the wall
but i got back out there for the final two-step

i now realize sometimes there are slick spots on the dance floor
and i may fall
and it is possible in my flailing about
that i could take down another...
but when my butt or my head hits the floor
first i need to remember to breathe
and give thanks for that breath
then look about, move a bit, reach out to the hand offering to help me up,
then take a moment, shake things off, and get back in the dance

i want to move about freely in the dance
not with controlled and careful movements
not fearful that i may bump into another
not worrying that my partner may step on my toes
not anxiously looking about for slick spots on the floor
but looking around
enjoying myself and enjoying the others around me who join in the dance

the day before the wreck, i had a filled dance card with a diverse sound track
unwrapping presents
sharing lunch with good conversation
taking time for tea
watching wrestling videos
chopping veggies
chowing down on thai food
lounging around petting my dog
giving hugs to a room full of folks
washing a pile of dirty dishes
staying up late
and all this was quality time and good conversation with some of my favorite people ranging from a toddler to one of the wisest women i know and  including many of my dearest of friends
twas good and i am grateful

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...
these are all dance lessons
from the kitchen floor to the ohio turnpike
i'm learning to live with grace